[He's still new at this, but he does his determined best to send the mental equivalent of a hug. Soft, warm. All encompassing. Protecting Takashi from his own mind as best as he could.]
You do. And we, I, want to protect you too.
Who do you think doesn't need you? Surely not me. I always need you.
[It does help. It's like what he'd been showing the teens earlier - grounding. Some of the stuttering, the rambling, eases. Appreciation is there instead.]
I know - I know that. I need you too.
[It's why they can do this now. That bonding of theirs.]
Feels like - the kids - the guys - the team. [Those words all sort of overlap into one. But the meaning is there.] They can all... look after themselves.
Hah. Damn, I - [Well, they're talking in their heads, he can swear a little. As a treat.] - never thought I'd hear that phrase. Applied here. To me.
[You know because of the life expectancy thing.]
I can't help them, Adam, I - there's nothing I can do to help Lance, I can't stop Varian from turning into a monster, I couldn't save Keith in the dream - or Will or ...
We'll keep on doing what we can. We can't beat ourselves up for things we can't control. We can't waste that time, right? We need to use it to focus on what we can do.
[It's so much easier this way. He doesn't have to force the words out. Or sit there, stewing over what he should have said. Berate himself for not being able to speak up.]
[It still hurts.]
[All of this still hurts. But it's easier.]
I know. I know - I -
Don't want to waste it. Feel like I'm wasting it. Feel like I'm... doing wrong by them.
That I can't - that they don't need me.
[But I don't know how to stop - is unsaid, but there. It's hiding between the lines, lurking there.]
[The frustration, the worry, the fear, it's all in that last word. He just wants to know, wants to see he's made a difference, he's still capable of helping.]
[He can make it right - the Pit, the losses. Everything.]
[Fond, endlessly fond warmth. How can you not see it?
And finally, finally Adam can show Takashi exactly what he's seen. What he knows. And he floods Takashi with it. Memories of protecting him, Chloe, Keith, Will. Here and in Deerington. Allura. Putting himself in harms way over and over. Using his resources, preciously gathered and scare in these places, to heal others. Offering himself on fighting missions, search missions.]
You give all of yourself, all the time. You've done more than any one person I can think of. I don't know how you can't see it.
[He wants to look at this feedback, at this outpouring of love, of affection, and see the good he's actually done. But ... all he can see is what didn't come of it. Of the times they all still got hurt. The times they died.]
[The time he stood on the shore and watched someone he loved walk into the water.]
[He takes that memory of Adam walking into the ocean and flips it.
Him washing up on the shore. Confused, lost. Looking up and the first time and seeing Takashi across the beach, because that's the only person who could possibly be there. His constant.]
Things go wrong. People make mistakes. That's just how the world is. But you're always there, Takashi. You're always there to repair the damage, make up for what went wrong, fix what can be fixed.
You're always, always there to do your half. Trouble is you think you're responsible for the whole.
[Shiro just... sinks down. Where he was standing. Slides down a wall, sinks into a sitting position. There's no lie here, there's no softening the truth. Even if they weren't bonded this way, Adam is not the type to do that kind of thing. Not between them.]
[So this hits.]
[This is like a physical blow. And god he wants to believe it. He wants to, so badly. And thankfully, now, he doesn't have to actually put that into words. The thought just comes - ] I want to believe it, I want to so... bad. Why can't - ?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[BRAIN TO BRAIN]
I'm not wrong.
Re: [BRAIN TO BRAIN]
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[There's a 'wait', while he processes that - ]
Warmblood. Here. Not blood in general, I'm aware of what blood in general does.
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Mine doesn't do anything. How useless am I?
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That's not... It's different! I don't see you as useless! I can't!
But it doesn't bother you. Does it? Not having power like ... like Will?
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No. It doesn't. My worth, and your worth, isn't defined by what you can do for other people.
Even if it was, don't you think I can do plenty of things without blood powers? Teach. Learn. Fight. Protect. I don't need powers to do any of that.
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[The words sort of jumble up in his head from there.]
I need to - I have to protect them - protect you - and they don't need me anymore -
- I'm -
I feel useless.
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You do. And we, I, want to protect you too.
Who do you think doesn't need you? Surely not me. I always need you.
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I know - I know that. I need you too.
[It's why they can do this now. That bonding of theirs.]
Feels like - the kids - the guys - the team. [Those words all sort of overlap into one. But the meaning is there.] They can all... look after themselves.
And I can't help them when they can't.
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Empty nest syndrome. They're all growing up.
That doesn't mean they don't need you. They just need you in different ways.
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[You know because of the life expectancy thing.]
I can't help them, Adam, I - there's nothing I can do to help Lance, I can't stop Varian from turning into a monster, I couldn't save Keith in the dream - or Will or ...
I can't help them.
[It's killing him.]
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Be there for them like they already know you are. Be the constant in their lives. I don't have to tell you how important that is.
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[He wants to be enough.]
[He wants that so badly, it doesn't even come through in words.]
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I don't think it works like that. I think we just keep on doing what we can.
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You're enough, for me.
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We'll keep on doing what we can. We can't beat ourselves up for things we can't control. We can't waste that time, right? We need to use it to focus on what we can do.
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[It still hurts.]
[All of this still hurts. But it's easier.]
I know. I know - I -
Don't want to waste it. Feel like I'm wasting it. Feel like I'm... doing wrong by them.
That I can't - that they don't need me.
[But I don't know how to stop - is unsaid, but there. It's hiding between the lines, lurking there.]
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[Even more, impossibly more, inescapably more. All unsaid but floating behind his words.]
No one thinks you're doing wrong by them. Absolutely no one but you. What could you possibly be wasting?
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[The frustration, the worry, the fear, it's all in that last word. He just wants to know, wants to see he's made a difference, he's still capable of helping.]
[He can make it right - the Pit, the losses. Everything.]
I... I don't know.
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Do you see it? How you help people? How you are helping people?
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You - I married you. That - I know that. [Is that where this is going? He knows he did that right. That it's helping keep them both attached.]
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And finally, finally Adam can show Takashi exactly what he's seen. What he knows. And he floods Takashi with it. Memories of protecting him, Chloe, Keith, Will. Here and in Deerington. Allura. Putting himself in harms way over and over. Using his resources, preciously gathered and scare in these places, to heal others. Offering himself on fighting missions, search missions.]
You give all of yourself, all the time. You've done more than any one person I can think of. I don't know how you can't see it.
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[He wants to look at this feedback, at this outpouring of love, of affection, and see the good he's actually done. But ... all he can see is what didn't come of it. Of the times they all still got hurt. The times they died.]
[The time he stood on the shore and watched someone he loved walk into the water.]
I - don't know. How to see it.
I'm sorry. I want to -
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Him washing up on the shore. Confused, lost. Looking up and the first time and seeing Takashi across the beach, because that's the only person who could possibly be there. His constant.]
Things go wrong. People make mistakes. That's just how the world is. But you're always there, Takashi. You're always there to repair the damage, make up for what went wrong, fix what can be fixed.
You're always, always there to do your half. Trouble is you think you're responsible for the whole.
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[So this hits.]
[This is like a physical blow. And god he wants to believe it. He wants to, so badly. And thankfully, now, he doesn't have to actually put that into words. The thought just comes - ] I want to believe it, I want to so... bad. Why can't - ?
Why won't it happen?
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